To My Lover (New Chapter 2)
To My Lover,
When I met you I wasn’t planning to fall in love. I wasn’t even looking for a new best friend. You changed all that. Before you came into my life, I had given up on ever finding my soul mate; the one person who could set my heart on fire with just one look. Well wasn’t I wrong!!! That first night I met you, sparks flew. We got along soo well, then later we took that extra step and ever since then every time you have touched me, brushed up against me, my heart has stops. I feel overwhelming joy from you. The attraction was crazy and unexpected. You came into my world and turned it upside down. Our timing was lousy, but the connection was impossible to ignore. Though our love was “forbidden” we could not help what our hearts felt, what they told us. Our minds attempted to take control, but never had a chance. You’re weird and I am definitely weird but “we’re all a little weird and life’s a little weird and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it Love.”
I remember the first quote you told me “Don’t tell me you love me unless you mean it, cuz I might do something stupid and believe it.” That has stuck with me to this day. You were the first person that I showed the ‘real’ me to, and you appreciated me. In the short time we were together, you found out more about me than I had ever let anyone else know. We shared and so much, yet there was still so much to learn. I knew so much about you, and then again, so little. I always assumed that we had so much time. Our love was a secret, and I was happy enough to keep that secret while we tried to sort out the incredible “mess” that we had got ourselves into. I was also happy to wait until circumstances were better. A couple of years in a lifetime mean nothing. I never knew that ‘time’ was the one thing i did not have.
I love your smile, I love your eyes, but most of all I fell in love with the person inside all of that. You made me laugh. You made me laugh a lot! You totally cracked me up. NO ONE has made me smile as much as you. You also made me cry, and I hated that. Most of all, you made me feel alive. You were “the one”. I love you, and although you have left an enormous gaping hole in my heart, I will never regret having met you and falling in love with you. If nothing else, I am glad that I made your last 14 months (mostly) happy. I would have honestly preferred after thinking about it for a extremely long time to make your last 30+ years happy, but as you can see so far that hasn’t been planned for us. I ache, I hurt, I cry, but I will never regret loving you.
The pain I feel at losing you is intense, Unimaginable and Indescribable. Even now I still ache. It is no longer the unimaginable, indescribable pain, but there is an incredible ache nonetheless, accompanied by a huge kick in the guts when the reality hits, I literally get sick. I promised you I wasn’t going to be crying anymore, no more tears unless it was for those two reasons I told you I would but man does it hurt more than it should. When I was with you everything within me was illuminated. I felt like I had swallowed the sun. Now I’m all burnt inside out and I don’t know how to go on. I don’t have the strength to do this. I miss you like I would miss my left arm if it got blown up and lost in a war. How could I not? In such a short time, you became my everything. I loved you with all of my heart and soul. It is better to have love and lost, than never to have loved at all.
It is still hard to imagine life without you, and I still wonder how I can possibly survive without you. I know that I will, but I also know that it will be the most demanding challenge of my life. I will succeed, because this is what you wish for me. I am determined not to disappoint you. Ahh I just want to kiss you, first by kissing your forehead then as I begin to move over your eyes, your nose, and your cheekbone. I lift your chin slightly and press my lips to yours. The kiss is light, affectionate, and familiar. It is like coming home and I love it; it feels sooo right. Staring into your eyes gives me this warm feeling that words can’t even explain and it forces me to keep a smile on my face. I can hold you in my arms for hours if I had the chance to.
Sex, let’s face it, it’s important. It’s important to me, and as my Lover, it’s important to you. But I think it’s more important that we understand sex in the same light. I want to see sex as an act of intimacy and exploration. I want us to be able to understand and know it’s about learning how each of us reacts to touch. I want it to be where we understand that it’s about enjoying ourselves and each other and connecting on a totally different, more incredible level. And I want you to be someone who isn’t afraid to help me remember all this on those occasions where I lose my own way. I don’t want you to feel that our relationship is only about sex. It’s not! Sex should be like the physical epitome of our love for each other. Yes its great amazing just wow but that isn’t all we have lover.
I’m learning and growing every day, I have looked at myself in the mirror and I’ve seen how I have been childish lately. I don’t like it and I’m sure you don’t either and I’m determined to change it. I know I’ve jumped to conclusions quickly on a number of occasions, I know I haven’t been too trusting of you like I should be. But you have been pushing me away I felt like my back was against the wall and I will NOT let you go. I still don’t understand why things have happened the way they have but believe me when I say I’m not letting you go. You have fallen out of love with me for reasons unknown but what is known is that you still have feelings for me I know it. When I kiss you, you hold back. Don’t. Don’t hold back. You and I both know you will feel it. I know you will feel that irresistible spark between us, when we kiss. Even if just once I feel it and I know you do too. I feel an overwhelming amazing feeling that I can only describe with the word love. Accept me back into your heart, we both know that it’s what we want. I will fight any battle alongside you. You’re worried about me? Don’t be. When we’re together we can fight through anything together. I will protect you and you will protect me.
I would love to just start over though that would be amazing, not from the beginning but from right here right now. Just reintroduce ourselves and let it flow. The last week or so, I’ve been rediscovering something’s about me. I’ve rediscovered that I’m an astoundingly intense person. Everything I do or say, I tend to put the full force of my heart and soul behind it. I know that it can be rather intimidating. I’ve been told that my love is the kind of love that you see in movies ahaha do you think that’s true? I wouldn’t know at all what that means but yeah. Anyways I want you to really think about that Lover, starting over. I want you to allow it to sink into the depths of your soul, and find the freedom that this offers you there. I know you’re not perfect. I know that you will do things that will hurt me from time to time, no matter how thoughtful and caring you are. And while I don’t want you to use this fact to be intentionally thoughtless and uncaring, I don’t want you to be afraid of making those mistakes along the way. Because in the end, I will cherish even the mistakes we both make along the way. I will look at the tears we shed, you shed and I shed as we walk together, and count them as gold.
I do not want to be the one who always does the asking. That makes me feel like I am begging you, and as much as I want you, I don’t want to beg you. I want you, and you know it. But I need to be wanted too. I have often wondered if you think of me much when we are apart. I have no clue what goes inside that head of yours. But I want to know. I want to know you even more. More and more and more and more! I love learning things about you. I’m not expecting you to read my mind, so I have to say it. So I’m saying it. God I adore you. Do you know that by now? I know that’s a real surprise or maybe not. I don’t care if you know that every piece of my heart that could belong to a woman belongs to you. I am not good at faking emotions, I hate emotional games. This is real so I’m just going to be honest with you from the get go. I want you. I do not want another woman. I see only you. I hold only you. I give my body to only you. I love only you. I want to marry only you. I cannot imagine having lived and not known you. I am so grateful we have walked this world together. Thank you for holding me. Thank you for human touch. Thank you for the way your eyes look at me sometimes, it seems like you see exactly who I am.
I don’t want to be treated like a toy; I don’t want to be picked up and dropped like it’s nothing. I gave you my heart because I trusted you to protect it. I don’t want to waste my time on somebody who’s not taking me seriously. I’d rather watch other couples be happy than be in a relationship where I’m going to be pushed away and left. I’d rather feel lonely than feel alone even when I’m with you. I’d rather wait until someone comes along & genuinely wants to be with me, than with someone who just wants to play games with me. You’re not playing a game right? I’d rather die than to lose you. It’s that deep; these are my feelings for you. Yes, I want to be with you, more than anything. And, it makes me sad to say this, but it seems like you don’t want to be with me. You say you love me, but you’re not showing it. I’m confused, and I don’t like it. Either you want to be with me, or you don’t. Either you love me, or you don’t. I have feelings, and they’re not toys to be played with. But tell me, is it me you want? Or am I just something you wanted to use?
Why aren’t you attracted to me anymore? Why don’t you want to be with me anymore? I told you also that I will start making more decisions in our relationship, and I will. I know that making you make so many decisions is unattractive on my part and I know that I have put an unexpected, unwanted burden on you by always making you pick something. I know most of the time you don’t care. I know, I know, I know, I’m working on it I’m growing still. I will do more, I’m trying my best. I want to try things new with you, explore, be different, but I don’t know how so sometimes and I rely on you too much. I’ll just start surprising you and making more decisions and I know what you like, so I’ll plan well don’t worry I’ll eat too, I’ll participate in whatever we do. I’ll be the best I can be for you!
I promise to be sensitive to your needs and feelings I hope that I have been already. That’s not to say I won’t goof up from time to time, but I promise that I will listen, and do my best to respect and honor both your feelings and needs, and fulfill them whenever I reasonably can. When I’m upset, I promise to try my best to handle the situation and my feelings in a mature way. I will also talk it over with you rather than making you play “guess what’s annoying Jullian now.” After all, it’s best for both of us if we talk these things over. Relationships work because the couple mutually communicates with each other, this is my method of communicating with you and I want to help you find yours. I love talking to you! I want to talk with you for hours.
I have no clue how much I have repeated myself throughout this letter to my lover, that’s you by the way, but I hope that my feelings are getting across. I hope that you understand what I’ve said. I hope that I have made you smile and feel the great amazing love that I know you once felt for me. I hope that this doesn’t confuse you anymore I hope that after this, things are clear for you I hope that your ears have not turned deaf to my feelings. I hope that this makes you realize how important you are to me. I hope that you cry tears of joy and not tears of pain as you read this. If this isn’t love, if this isn’t right then I don’t know what is. I accept you as a whole, your entirety. I take all that is you! Your flaws, your mistakes, your smiles, jokes, sarcasm everything! I accept all the good and bad that come with loving you. I accept everything. My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry whichever you prefer.
If I never see you again my lover, ohh how I love you, I want you to know that you have changed my life. You expanded my horizons, you saw the real me. You were my lover, my soul mate, and my confidant. You were the love of my life. You were “the one”. I will never forget you or the incredible gift you gave me just by being you. You will stay forever and always in my heart. There may be a lot more fish in the sea but I want you, you’re my rare Pokémon, the rarest of the rare. There are many more things I can offer you that I want to experience with you Lover. And I anxiously wait to share them with you. But if I never get the chance to I will tell you in the next life.
After reading all this you will probably be speechless again, don’t be. Share your thoughts with me, tell me how you feel. Be as open with me as I am with you, help me help us work. I found something worth fighting for and that’s you. So I’m not going to give up, I’m not going to back down, and I’m not going to take no, I don’t know or I guess for an answer. Let’s make this work, me and you, us against the world, ride or die, Romeo and Juliet, peanut butter and jelly, ying and yang. So what do you say? Want to take a ride on this magic carpet, or should we say our last goodbyes? I make not be the perfect guy that you picture yourself with, I may not dance (actually I do slow dance but that’s about it). I may be a city guy I know it’s not truly what you want. But I’m here I won’t leave you, I’m going to protect you, I’m going to save your heart like you saved mine. With all that being said I will end it with this.
I love you now and I ALWAYS will love you. You are AMAZING! Yes, yes you are. Believe it! You are the most incredible amazing person that I have ever met. You are my lover, you are caring, you are thoughtful, you are YOU, you are the woman that I fell in love with and I would give anything to have you back with me.
Forever and Always
Posted on June 15, 2013, in To my and tagged confused, dedication, depressing, depression, dreams, end, ending, feelings, future, heartbreak, inlove, life, loneliness, Love, loveloss, sadness, unconditional love. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.