I want to die…

I don’t want to kill myself. I’m too much of a coward. I don’t want the pain, I don’t want to end life. I just want to end this life.

My life isn’t even so bad that it warrants ending, at least compared to some people’s lives. I have a family who supposedly loves me, I have food and water and electricity and comfort. I have luxuries that many dream of. Feeling like this makes me feel selfish. And yet I want to die.

I would welcome drowning or being hit by a car one day, by accident. Or even on purpose. Just so my family don’t blame me.

Today was rough. Today I really realized that I was losing the person I’d called my best friend and my lover. She is drifting away from me, I from her. The girl who I loved, sill love i just irritate her and make things worse. I’m used to the hurt  yet it still hurts soo much. But now they’re just painless. I expect them, I have no retort, I just there and take them. Though I don’t want her said, I don’t want to see her happy with anyone else but me.

I cannot see any of the people I talk to now talking to me for much longer. They never talk to me for lone. I will end up becoming a recluse, if I’m not already.

I know they don’t care for me. I’m convinced they’re all laughing at me behind my back, that everything they do is some big plan to chip away at me, my confidence, my character. It’s probably not even that. They don’t give a shit, they just do their own business and if I’m hurt by it, that’s just a bonus. I’m sure that not true… i’m just really sad and alone.

Maybe I’m just cynical. I don’t know.

If a car hit me tomorrow, I would welcome it. If I was mugged and stabbed, unlikely as that may be, I would welcome it. It’s either that or continuing this drag day in, day out and crying myself to sleep every night afterwards.

Sincerely

Jullian

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About Jullian Autry

When I set my heart on something, I give it my all. That's why I decided to blog.I am going to share my story with everyone I want to show you all who I am, my life,dreams and aspirations. I hope that my post, my story and inspiring/motivational words will be inspirational to you and motivate you to be the best you can be. I wish your dreams and potential to be born into life through my writing. Everyone is more than welcome to comment and share their opinions. I encourage it.

Posted on June 16, 2013, in This is me! and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Oooh this makes me sad… please don’t be like that.. Life is still meaningful and beautiful.. Broken heart makes us a better person.. Come on, cheer up, mate! sorry for this unsolicited advice but I feel like I have to tell you this.. Please be happy. Always take care! 🙂

    Jeannie

  2. Really incredibly hard to do that, but thanks

  3. Yes, you definitely sound like my brother!
    And I know these feelings as well. Sad, but honest writing. Keep writing these feelings off. It helps.
    Lots of love
    Patty

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