I want to die…
I don’t want to kill myself. I’m too much of a coward. I don’t want the pain, I don’t want to end life. I just want to end this life.
My life isn’t even so bad that it warrants ending, at least compared to some people’s lives. I have a family who supposedly loves me, I have food and water and electricity and comfort. I have luxuries that many dream of. Feeling like this makes me feel selfish. And yet I want to die.
I would welcome drowning or being hit by a car one day, by accident. Or even on purpose. Just so my family don’t blame me.
Today was rough. Today I really realized that I was losing the person I’d called my best friend and my lover. She is drifting away from me, I from her. The girl who I loved, sill love i just irritate her and make things worse. I’m used to the hurt yet it still hurts soo much. But now they’re just painless. I expect them, I have no retort, I just there and take them. Though I don’t want her said, I don’t want to see her happy with anyone else but me.
I cannot see any of the people I talk to now talking to me for much longer. They never talk to me for lone. I will end up becoming a recluse, if I’m not already.
I know they don’t care for me. I’m convinced they’re all laughing at me behind my back, that everything they do is some big plan to chip away at me, my confidence, my character. It’s probably not even that. They don’t give a shit, they just do their own business and if I’m hurt by it, that’s just a bonus. I’m sure that not true… i’m just really sad and alone.
Maybe I’m just cynical. I don’t know.
If a car hit me tomorrow, I would welcome it. If I was mugged and stabbed, unlikely as that may be, I would welcome it. It’s either that or continuing this drag day in, day out and crying myself to sleep every night afterwards.