Just Not Good Enough

I’ve been trying not to post anything because my mind hasn’t been in the most positive place, but I just can’t hold it in anymore. My feelings are just something I need to express in some way. That’s where blogging comes in obviously. If you have read any of my 98 previous post you would know that about 85 of them are depressing poems/blogs about being lonely and heartbroken and hating the world. That’s just how my life is, there is no light at the end of the tunnel for me, the further I go the darker it gets. There’s only so much you can do to help someone, it’s like the saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”. I would say lately I’ve been feeling this way but when it comes down to it, I’ve always always felt this way about myself. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how hard I try I’ve realized that I’m just not good enough. I’ve tried to be positive so I don’t break down, but I’m broken to begin with.

People from the outside looking in see me as a preserved, genuine, nice, goody goody kid. Little do they know that is just the image I want to be, not what I actually am. Deep down inside I’m really just a broken pawn, good for nothing, only called upon if you need something. I hate it! I cannot express enough how much I yearn for something real, something tangible, something that is just natural. I work very hard to be there for others to pick up their pieces even though it’s not my job, I want to help, I want to show someone they’re not alone. In the end I’m the one who ends up alone. Who is going to be there to pick up my pieces? Who is going to be there to help me? Does karma only work in the negative light? I know it’s because I’m just not good enough, I’m not deserving of the light.

I want to live my life with no regrets, but I also want to inspire people, help people, be there for people. Sometimes I feel like if I was a better person, if I knew how to do this or that, maybe just maybe I would be good enough then. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, I know that what I’m saying may sound a bit crazy. Yes, I’m beating my self up over this but I just can’t fathom these feelings I have and why. Maybe I’m just depressed, I just want to feel like I matter to someone. I want to feel like something I do or say actually has an effect on someone’s outlook or someone’s choices in life. I’m just a bully to myself, but it’s my fault. I just hate myself. I can’t look at myself in the mirror; I just think “You’re horrible, you’re hideous, you can’t do anything right, you’re stupid, why are you here?” Maybe I am in a prison I put myself in. I guess that’s about enough of this random rant. It all just comes down to me not being a good enough lover, a good enough friend, a good enough all around person. I guess I’m just unable to change that.

-Jullian